Retsis
by CheleCooke
Summary: Years of learning. Decades of atoning for his sins, and still the question burned inside him. Still the guilt refused to yield on his mind, on his heart and it's most painful desire. Would the Mirror hold his salvation? Or his justified guilt?


**Retsis**

It stood, covered with a large sheet that had been ordered not to be removed under any circumstances. It'd stood in the locked room for over a year, unseen by anyone since it had arrived. The sheet was coated in a thick layer of dust, undisturbed and soft to the touch.

He stared at it as he sat against the wall on the opposite side of the room. He didn't even dare approach it where it stood. He knew as soon as he did, he would want to pull the sheet from it and stare into the glass. He knew he would want to see the answer. The answer he had been longing for, yearning for.

As soon as he heard of the Mirror, he knew he needed to see it. He needed to know, and this was the only way. But, would it show him the truth? Or would it merely show him the truth as he wanted it? Would it show him nothing but his heart's desire? That it had not been him. Years of learning. Decades of atoning for his sins, and still the question burned inside him. Still the guilt refused to yield on his mind, on his heart and it's most painful desire. Would the Mirror hold his salvation? Or his justified guilt?

He had been so young, so full of ambition, and Gellert's arrival had been the answer to all of his prayers. What foolhardy prayers they had been. If the events of that fateful day had not occurred, would he be where he was? Or would he have become little better than Voldemort? He couldn't know. His heart longed for that answer too, but there was no answer to that question, because it was not his heart's deepest and truest desire. No, his own fate had an answer, but what of hers?

He had come here every night of that year. He had stared in longing at the Mirror, covered in its sheet. He imagined what he would see. When he closed his eyes, he could almost see it before him. His searching of his memories in the Penseive had brought nothing. He had not known at the time who cast the charm, and therefore, his memory brought no relief, merely the sight of her body lying on the floor and Aberforth's horrified face.

His brother's face, so etched in horror and disbelief, lined with grief and anger, worn in with disgust and disappointment. He saw it every time their eyes locked onto each other. He could feel it as soon as they both stood in the same room. His brother still detested him for what had happened that day. It didn't matter who fired the curse. It didn't matter which wand did the deed, he was to blame. The eldest brother; meant to be the protector of the family, had killed the youngest, the most innocent, the most in need.

He was in need now. He needed to look into the Mirror. He wasn't sure what held him back now. The Mirror was within his reach. One flick of his wand and he would have his answer, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't have the rewards of his need when she had not received hers.

With a sweep of midnight blue robes, he left the chamber.

It was with a stare of horror that Albus Dumbledore returned to the Mirror's chamber the next evening. Standing at the doorway, he felt his heart breaking as he saw that the Mirror had been uncovered, its sheet crumpled behind it, and Harry Potter was standing close to it, his breath fogging the Mirror as he tried to get as close as he possibly could. It was within an instant that Albus knew what Harry was looking at. His family. Of course it would be his family. He watched for a long time, gazed on as Harry stared at the Mirror before leaving, returning a while later with his friend Ron Weasley. Luckily, by this time, he had managed to place an invisibility charm on himself. He had suspected the boy would return. It was only natural. The curiosity, the desire, the desperation. He stayed long after the two boys left, finally leaving the Mirror to its' answers; and him to his questions.

It was two nights later when Albus could finally face going to the Mirror's chamber to cover it again. Walking in, he sat on a table at the opposite end of the room in the corner, just at the wrong angle, and just far enough away so that he wouldn't see anything. He still couldn't do it. He still couldn't look; couldn't know.

Before he had the chance to cover the Mirror, however, the door was cracked open and someone slipped in. He could hear their footsteps against the stone, but could see nothing. It was Harry, Albus was sure of it. His suspicions were confirmed as the Invisibility Cloak was pulled from the young boy's shoulders and he appeared before him, almost instantly sinking to the floor to sit before the Mirror. He had no choice. He would not infringe on the boy's privacy, but he could not, or would not leave. So instead, he spoke.

He watched as the young boy turned and stared at him, his green eyes met by a piercing blue gaze.

"I – I didn't see you, sir."

"Strange how short-sighted being invisible can make you," Albus replied with a smile.

Slipping from the desk, he strode across the room and sat on the floor next to the boy. How would he ever tell him what was needed of him? What he would have to do? How he wished he could take the burden and place it instead on his own shoulders. Maybe with that, he could pay his debt. He could maybe finally rid himself of that guilt.

"So," he continued, "you, like hundreds before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised."

As he discussed the mirror with Harry, he wondered if he'd ever have the strength to look into that Mirror. Harry had done it with such ease, maybe because he didn't know what it would hold, but even if he had, he probably would have hammered down every door between his common room and this to see his family. Would he have instantly known that he'd see his family if had been told what the Mirror did before hand?

As he explained, Albus knew he must tell Harry the truth about the Mirror, even if he could not bring himself to accept it in its entirety. He knew that it was the truth as he spoke, and he knew, that his answer that the mirror held would more likely lead to madness than happiness. However so, obsession was not an easy thing to curb, especially when it had festered for over a century.

Telling Harry that he should not look for the mirror, and that he should go to bed, Albus watched as Harry stood. Picking up the Cloak, the boy, however, did not put it on.

As Harry asked what he, Headmaster of Hogwarts, highly decorated wizard, saw in the Mirror, Albus was struck cold. He kept his voice light and friendly as he told the boy a beautiful lie. A lie in its simplicity could be more beautiful than the truth if the listener understood why it was being told. Either the teller was not ready to give over their secrets when they could not be explained fully, or they wished to keep the listener protected, from whatever harm, for just a while longer.

Harry left with a polite goodbye, and Albus remained sitting on the floor for a while longer, staring at the door where the boy disappeared.

Finally getting to his feet, Albus turned to look at the Mirror. He was still at the wrong angle to see anything substantial, but in the corner, he was sure he saw a curl of blonde hair.

Ariana?

He crept closer, more into view of the Mirror and the magic it held. This was it. He was finally going to see.

Throwing the sheet over the Mirror, Albus turned and ran from the chamber, his cloak flying behind him. His footsteps were light as feathers against the slabs, but the tears fell like stones, each one leaving a resounding crash, the destruction and deafening noise following him all the way back to his office.

He would never look into the Mirror again.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

So, I actually wrote this a couple years ago, but never posted it here for some reason, and so figured I would now.

I get a lot of comments on this asking why I didn't show what Dumbledore saw. So, to answer before anyone asks, I didn't show what Dumbledore saw because we don't find out in the books, and everyone has their own opinion. So, I figured I'd leave it up to you guys.

Just a one shot. But I hope you enjoyed it.

Chele


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